3 Things I Hear: Stepmothering and the Comparison Culture
Real-life scenes of comparison in a stepmom context
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
Fueled by the rise of social media and constant exposure to curated versions of people’s lives, the ease of comparing one’s life with others is prevalent. To measure one’s success and appearance against others is an arbitrary practice. The intensifying of needless comparison affects mental well-being, steals joy, and feeds trifling competition.
When you look at the culture of comparison in the context of stepmotherhood, it is a vulnerable dance of societal expectations, self-identity, and the existence of the main players in her blended family, namely, the biological mother, the stepchildren, and the husband.
Here are three scenarios on the matter where I felt the culture of comparison ever present in a stepmother’s life.
“Who’s prettier?”
Being the third woman in my husband’s life, it is normal practice that when I am introduced to friends and family, there is always a silent reference to the exes. I know, because one time, I heard someone whisper to another, “Did you see the biological mother of the kids? Who’s prettier?” At another time, when their dad brought the kids to visit their mom, a house assistant asked the children, “Did your dad still kiss your mom goodbye?”
When someone would shake my hand for the first time as I was introduced, I could see the knowing look in their eyes. I am not certain but I am aware of the possibility that not too far from their gaze is the measurement of my presence against the former partners.
“My son’s ex-wife is perfect with house chores; she was particularly clean and thorough in her kitchen.”
This is close to the exact words of my mother-in-law. I am not sure how we got to talking about the household performance in my husband’s former married life. The bitch in me is subtly triggered. In my head, I replied, “And what do you ever mean by that?” Or “Oh yeah, how come I’m the one by your son’s side today if she is so perfect?” Instead, I prop my hand on my cheeks, elbow on the table, and give her a patient gaze, just nodding stupidly.
“I wish mommy will be alright.”
This one, I hear it from the children. Nonchalantly, they would utter this and I look at them. They are really beautiful kids and yes, I think to myself, “Their mom must really be beautiful.” I do not press them to provide context. Instead, I take them into my arms, telling them that everything will be alright. I know they must have made innocent comparisons on their own and I must help them understand the family situation. I want them to understand that they are surrounded by people who love them and that is all that matters, amid the harsh realities outside our blended family.
Comparison culture is pervasive. How it is present in the realm of stepmothering is even more complex because of tricky family dynamics and stereotyped beliefs.
Stepmothering is never about me.
There is one mantra I live by to get by. Though I am one of the main characters of the story, I always remember that “Stepmothering is never about me.” It is looking beyond oneself and choosing the well-being of the children in the context of blended families. Every day, a stepmom navigates the nuances of complex family relationships, providing the empathy needed by family members. Though it is never about herself, her role is always intertwined with the well-being and happiness of the children.
The cold war of the biological parents. Possibilities of sibling rivalry between stepchildren and biological children. Justice and fairness in promoting discipline in the household. Shared household responsibilities among children. School performance and adolescent peculiarities. Parent-child relationships. These are only some of the family issues that surround us. The blended family context raises the complexity of these issues somehow.
With all these tied to the general goal of creating harmony in the household and cultivating positive relationships, who would have time to compare?
Most of the time, not me.
Sometimes, we may be unaware that we are comparing ourselves to others. However, without evaluating ourselves in comparison to others, we might not realize how we are growing and changing as individuals. Although it is true that comparing ourselves to others can steal our joy, it can also help us manage and improve ourselves. It is not necessary for us to imitate or follow others, but what we perceive in other people often reflects something about ourselves. Ultimately, we are interconnected and serve as mirrors for one another.