My Husband, The Father
In this blended family, what's he like?
Marriage alone is hard work. Marriage to a person with kids requires harder work. Both man and wife have roles to play. The success of the marriage will depend on how these roles are fulfilled. Role-fulfillment though is dependent on many things —- attitude, personality and character, the environment.
Let me introduce dear husband. In my stepmothering role, the husband as the father of my stepmothered kids plays a key part in how I fulfill my role.
Dear husband is seven years older than me. He is handsome and is almost always gallantly dressed. He smells good. He is nitpicker for cleanliness. He is intelligent. Perhaps the most obvious reason why I fell in love with him was the ease of carrying out smart, thoughtful conversations with him.
When I met the children, I saw how he doted on them. Even when we had our own son, he was involved in changing diapers, giving the baby a bath, feeding him and preparing formula. He would sing songs to our son and cuddle him close to his chest while sleeping. He loved taking care of babies!
Years into marriage, you find out more about the man you married. As much as you love the good side, you have to understand the bad side, at least. My husband is rigid and strict. He is uneasy when change is at hand. For example, he does not like it when I change the flavor of his morning coffee. He does not like to try new restaurants. He is impatient. His patience is evident with infants when movement is limited and the child can only coo. His impatience explodes with teenagers who ‘ravages’ the home with their exploratory phase. He easily snaps at kids when he feels discomfort. He is a selective listener. His language of affection with grown kids is not quite accessible. Of course, every man has his ego. As we age through marriage, the ego becomes part of the relationship too.
I bet it is hard enough being the bridge between the children and the father in a non-blended family. In mine, to serve as the bridge brokering the peace among family members is a role I have embraced. I have been willing to do so because everything comes from a place of love.
My husband with all of who he is through the years has allowed me to be a loving stepmother. He loved me foremost. I felt that. During the early years of our marriage, he allowed me to ride shotgun and placed the kids in the backseat, literally and figuratively. This is very symbolic to us because it tells me that before the kids, our marriage is foremost to him, that he will protect me. This is what allowed me to put my stepchildren first. Loving them was easy. It paved the way to discover my purpose in the family. To be the wife and the stepmother and a mother to my own. Far from jealousy. Distant to envy. Comfortable in stepmother love.
And yes, all of this started with him.
My husband, the father.