Scaredy Stepmom : 6 Common Stepmother Fears

It's Halloween. What is a stepmother scared of?

A stepmother has her own fears. It is not far different from a mother’s fears. Let us look at these neuroses in the eyes of a stepmom.

The Fear of Being Rejected by a Child (“I don’t like you!)

For Mom: It is most likely a temporary tantrum. In a matter of minutes, hours or days, a child will almost always come back to mom, forget about what has been said and done, and hug back with the warmth that says, “Everything will be alright.”

For Stepmom: She is highly worried over how to make the child accept her presence. More than this, she is concerned about how people in the family may be affected by this rejection —— the biological mother, the husband, other stepchildren, her own children. She thinks to herself, “Will everything be alright?”

The Fear of Not Being a Good Parent (“You’re the worst mom!”)

For Mom: In years, this line will most likely translate to “You’re the best mom ever!” If not, a child will likely understand that a parent tries her best with what she is given at a certain time.

For Stepmom: While it is uncertain on whether a child will ever consider stepmom as the best mom ever, there is also the fear of being judged by other people when a child declares a stepmother as a bad parent.

The Fear of Making Parenting Choices (“You don’t have the right!)

For Mom: Parents make bad choices sometimes and that is alright as they may have the right to choose for the child.

For Stepmom: Sometimes, a stepmom finds herself in circumstances where she has to decide what is best for the child because both biological parents are absent. While thinking of the outcomes of these choices, a stepmother is hounded by the notion on whether it is right for her to deal with situations like this.

The Fear of Comparison (“Mom doesn’t do it that way.”)

For Mom: Human beings dislike being compared. The pressure to be perfect in order to avoid comparison is of course, impossible! Mothering efforts are dependent on circumstances, individuality and parenting styles. The pressure to conform is a burden to the already difficult task of parenting.

For Stepmom: If moms are compared to other moms, a stepmom has a single unit of comparison —- the biological mother. As much as it is already a complicated situation, a stepmom may always come second-best. The pressure to keep up with the mom does not make it easier.

The Fear of Facing Conflict (“Let me be clear!”)

For Mom: Parenting in general is not devoid of conflict. There will always be matters to discuss at hand with the husband and the children, with the teachers or the in-laws. For the mom’s realm, conflict bruises can be brushed off, ignored or healed by time and space. Mostly, there is a more peaceful option for resolution.

For Stepmom: Conflicts may cut more deeply. Words come harsher for all parties, the silence is more deafening and judgements are served quicker. This is likely why sentiments stay buried to avoid conflicts and keep the peace.

The Fear of Being Forgotten (Who’s your Mom?)

For Mom: Being forgotten by children is temporary. Whether being forgotten in trivial pursuits or momentarily neglected in the course of navigating adulthood, children find their way back home to mom.

For Stepmom: A stepmom may not know when she will be forgotten, whether it is temporary or lasting. It may happen abruptly, sooner than expected. Or maybe never at all.

Jackie Harrison’s thoughtful quote shares a scary stepmom moment which evokes more sadness than fear.

“You know every story, every wound, every memory. Their whole life's happiness is wrapped up in you... every single second. Don't you get it? Look down the road to her wedding. I'm in a room alone with her, fixing her veil, fluffing her dress, telling her no woman has ever looked so beautiful. And my fear is she'll be thinking, "I wish my mom was here.”
― Jackie Harrison