Some Stepmothering Context

The Community I Live In

Each mother has her own parenting journey. No two journeys are the same. The same can be said with step motherhood. But context plays a key role. “Stepfamily relationships and the dynamics of stepfamilies are determined at least in part by the prevailing ideologies in their cultural context.” (Ganong and Coleman, 1994)

I live in Southeast Asia, in the only country in the world that refuses to legalize divorce. We are a very Catholic country. We are still patriarchal in nature although we are listed as one of the top countries in the Global Gender Gap Index. We have female CEOs, two female presidents even. But in the household, women take on the traditional roles of the wife and mother. It is along these spheres that step parenting is vulnerable to social stigma.

In my own perspective, this stigma is experienced in many ways. When I start with, “She is my stepdaughter,” this usually snowballs into a puzzled stare and the awkward pause as I wait for their (1) uncomfortable reaction or (2) the courage to ask other questions. One question I find funny is when they are brave enough to ask, “How old are you?” or '“When did you get married?” I assume that they compute the number of years between me and my daughter. Probably, they tell themselves,”How did I miss that?” Some would give me a look and say, “Oh that’s why!?!”

One time, a relative told me, “It’s really great of you to embrace the children as your own.” I smiled but my heart sank when my brother in law butted in, “She knew what she was getting into so she really should take care of them as their own.”

And then comes the elephant in the room. “Where is the mother?” In my experience, this question comes secondary.

In here, it is common to assume that a blended family often arises because of grief or failure. Blended families are deemed complicated and dysfunctional in the ordinary eyes of spectators. They overlook that everything really just comes from love and that like everyone else, the family strives to be a happy, peaceful one.

When the kids were small and this was 20 years back, it was difficult for them to go to one single school. As we were still nurturing love and care among them, we wanted to protect them from unnecessary prying into our lives at their tender stages. You see, in here, the middle name of a child (which is the biological mother’s surname) is important. Having different middle names among siblings would mean having different mothers. Even without malice, questions directed to the child about having multiple parents can have its effects. My stepdaughter experienced being asked by her teacher, “How come your middle name is not the same as your mom’s?” Because I was listed as her official guardian. My daughter then changed her middle name to my maiden name to avoid questions!

One time, I overheard an employee of mine asking my assistant, “Who among those children are her own? Who aren’t?” I turned to face him, “Why are you asking?” Obviously, there is nothing wrong in asking for the right reasons but somehow, I know why he is asking. For gossip? For personal satisfaction? For information dissemination? It certainly is not to make the world a better place.

How did I take all these? I tried to take everything in stride. It’s not without difficulty.

Today, the kids are almost all adults. It is easier to talk about these things. We laugh about it around the dinner table. We laugh at the people who comment, “You look so alike!” or “You don’t look so alike!” Sure, they had questions in their minds while growing up. Some were asked. And I bet some remain unasked.

But for almost all questions, there was only one answer. Cliche but really, love is the answer.