“You’re too sensitive.”
“There you go again with your crying.”
“Here she goes again, touchy and melodramatic.”
“You are so onion-skinned.”
I always hear this from my mom since childhood, through adolescence, young adulthood and even today at midlife. Among three siblings, I am the most emotional. I am first to cry at sad movies. I sob at the sight of a hurt puppy. I cry soft tears when I cannot take a joke about me. My eyes mist at beautiful sunsets. I am overwhelmed by sweet text messages that come across as sincere to me. My mom and my sisters almost always respond to my emotions with these statements. When I was young, I did not know what to make of it. It either makes me hurt more or grow defiant.
Because of this, I grew up thinking it was wrong to be sensitive. Sensitivity is in the negative column of a value chart. I have tried hard to manage my emotions or hide my feelings rather, especially around them. I was bent on showing that I was a tough girl. No more tears!
As I grew into adulthood, I confirm that I am a sensitive person. Emotions are accesible. Feelings are easy to tap. I am compassionate. I have empathy. A good emotional insight is one of my strengths that allows me to nurture relationships valuable to me.
It is stepmothering that has helped me view sensitivity as a positive asset.
Empathy towards the children.
In a blended family, the children’s welfare must come first. Amidst the complex knots of relationships among the adults involved, each must understand the effects of their actions on the growing children. As the most immediate adult available to them, I empathize with the children’s emotions and reactions to the adult’s actions.
I saw every wince of my daughter when their father talked about their mom. I saw their eyes turn to me to observe my reaction at the mere mention of their mother. I heard hesitation in their voices when they wanted to talk about their mother when I was around. It was because I was sensitive that I was able to see these things. I cannot answer all their questions nor give them false reassurances but I offered empathy and understanding as they navigated blended family dynamics.
Diverse perspectives.
Stepmothering exposed me to diverse perspectives from our blended family members. I am aware of how important the biological mother’s perspective is. I am mindful of the often complicated situation that my husband must be in. I am aware that extended family members may also have their say in the course of blending a family. Sensitivity has helped me understand the multifaceted vantage points among the members of our family.
Nuances of complex emotions.
As a stepmother, I see the family experience a rollercoaster of emotions. The nuances can be tricky and problematic. From grief and sadness, resentment and loyalty conflicts to calmness and affection, joy and devotion, I try to navigate these with openness and sensitivity, accepting that each member is entitled to their emotions. For example, during their younger years, whenever the children come home from a visit to their mother, I sense the hesitation to show their affection towards me, as they discern if this can mean disloyalty to their mother. I acknowledge that the children are allowed to feel this. I just let them be and never force anything with them. Sensitivity deepens understanding of these emotions in the hope that empathy goes around the home where it is needed.
The need for open communication.
Admittedly, honest and open communication warrants hard work. Awareness of my feelings and the emotions of other members plays an important role in cultivating healthy communication lines within the family. It facilitates active listening and respect for feelings which may lead to good conversations and a healthy expression of emotions.
The need to set an example for emotional intelligence.
As family life experts say, the children are watching you. Modeling emotional intelligence is an opportunity for adults in our family to demonstrate the importance of love and respect, understanding and compassion. I see the children now as young adults, aware of their emotions, and valuing their relationships with each one of us in the family. It is my fervent hope that they navigate their relationships outside of our family with the same respect and understanding that we tried to show them as we grew up as a family.
My mom still insists that I am the crybaby of the family. I take it today with laughter and a smile, accepting that I am indeed, a sensitive person.
And if it has helped me navigate my emotions to nurture healthy relationships, then there is nothing wrong with that.
For those who may be called “too sensitive” or “highly emotional,” here is a very good read that celebrates sensitivity, offering insights and self-care tips too.
In a world that often tells us "You're too sensitive," I love how you embrace it as a superpower. Have you read Something More by Caroline Ferguson here on Substack? You may enjoy her most recent post on HSPs https://open.substack.com/pub/carolineferguson/p/we-have-lift-off?r=1a7m7e&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I'm not a parent or a stepparent but gosh, I learned so much from this post. Thank you, Kath. 😊