The Envy in Stepmothering
The most graceful response to envy is not suppression but acknowledgement.
Envy is a complex emotion often cloaked in shadows, unspoken and misunderstood, crucial to acknowledge and understand.
Especially in the stepmother’s life.
Envy is often an emotion assumed to be a staple of a stepmothering. Think Snow White’s vain stepmother. Or Cinderella’s evil and killjoy stepmom! Being a stepmom for years, I recognize that envy is part of the deal. It is important to keep it arm’s length. It is essential to navigate this tricky emotion.
How?
Admission is key. Envy, though a very real emotion must be looked at in terms a longing to belong, not in terms of sheer malice. Imagine a mom’s feeling of being out of place in a child’s life, seeing a blanket of memories already carved out before her existence. Imagine a child’s feeling of being left out when a stepmother naturally bonds with her biological child. Whether it comes from a sense of insecurity, a fear of not being loved or anxiety about the roles played in a blended family, one must be self-aware of envy.
When envy is acknowledged, you are letting it go. You disallow the festering of jealousy and transform it into empathy. A conscious mental shift gives a more positive context to the feeling, unleashing an opportunity for connection and growth.
Envy can rear its head in different aspects of stepparenting. Here are some of them.
Envy toward the ex-wife.
I guess this is first on the list. It is the anchor of all envy that can arise in stepfamily relationships so it is important to nip it in the bud. It is great when the father is aware of this and goes out of his way to secure the stepmom’s place in the new family. He cannot do this alone. As his partner, it is helpful to work on your own security and independence to arrive at a certain level of self-assurance and strength that you will be needing for the rest of the journey.
To be your own person, apart from the family is the best way to overcome envy towards the ex-wife.
Envy toward the stepmom’s relationship with the father and envy toward the stepchildren’s relationship with their father.
Children may interpret the new relationship as a threat to their bond with their father. They may either withdraw emotionally or become more demanding. To deal with this kind of envy, I give time and space for the children to bond with their father on their own. The more secure they are in their love for their father, the better it is for me.
Envy between biological and stepchildren.
I must admit. This is the most difficult for me. I am aware when one child gets jealous of another. It gets harder when my own child is the object of envy. I cannot adjust things all the time just to balance it out for everyone. Am I depriving my own child when I do this, when I know he deserves to own me all on his own? It does not pan out in my favor all the time but it is my own child who makes it easier for me. He has always loved his siblings in a natural way. He came into this world, loving them since he laid eyes on them. He never asked questions. He never compared. He seeked them out and adjusted. Up to this day, I do not know how he figured out all on his own that his siblings had another mother. He did not find issues with it. He was just simply their brother.
Envy of lifestyle changes.
Over time, the family has experienced some highs, some improvements of life. When you feel that all is well within the family, somehow envy on the outskirts appears. Envy from the ex-wife and other nearby circles abound. Comparison of material aspects such as support, time and energy become very real when financial success is present. I have seen this firsthand. I have seen close friends ally with the ex, creating whispers that leak into the family. These days, as the children are all adults, they close ranks and protect their father. That is more than I can ask.
I wonder how this envy can finally end but I realize it never will. So I meet it head on with deliberate understanding and squirm through the discomfort, trying my best to squeeze the positive out of it. A better understanding of myself, more bouts of prayer and ultimately, better relationships with the people who matter.
Some pretty eats. Dessert, appetizer and salad.
In Barbara Reiney’s post, a daughter chooses finally “chooses” her adoptive parents after living a life where she felt she had no voice in the process of adoption. The scenario is uncommon yet the feelings are real.
Visit Barbara’s stack here.
