“Quiet descended, a silence so consuming that even the drafty corridors ceased whistling. Bog wasn't certain where to look, so he solved the problem by plucking out his eyes and sticking them in a drawer.”
A. Lee Martinez, In the Company of Ogres
Stepmothering is surrounded by moments of tiptoeing household minefields as the blended family dynamics are organically intricate. Navigating the complexities of relationships in the family, a stepmom faces big moments of drama and little moments of awkwardness.
The myriad of awkward experiences is like any other awkward situation one goes through — cringy and wish-worthy of being swallowed up by the earth.
I have experienced a few of them in my stepmom journey.
The Introduction
It is the most natural thing in the world to introduce your mother. But to introduce your stepmom? Not so much.
The gauche-ness usually emerges whenever I am introduced to a group. It does not matter whether I am introduced as the mother or the stepmother. Being in a group, some know of the biological truth and some do not. During this introduction, I am met with confused looks by some and a curious resting face by others. I think, “Should I tell them more to eliminate those quizzical looks? Or"?”
The stiff air lingers for a while.
I push the conversation forward, “So, what time did you get here?”
The Parent-Teacher Meeting
My floundering experience with this one happened unexpectedly. One time, my high school stepdaughter had school trouble. A parent was summoned by the school. I was the only one around for them during that time as their father was on sea duty and he never was one to attend to school matters. I went to the school counselor’s office to address the concern. I waited for almost an hour. When finally the counselor faced me, she said, “I’m afraid we have to speak to either of her parents.”
“Pardon?” I looked at her straight in the eye.
“You see, Ella told us she comes from a broken family,” (Yes, she used that word), the counselor stumblingly replied.
I then realized she was finding a way to tell me, “You are not the mother!”
I raise an eyebrow at this but do not contest it.
I just say, “Ok.”
Inside me, I murmur, “Have it your way. I am your best deal but you don’t know it.”
The “You look so alike!” comments
This one, I can instantly laugh about. Many, many times, somebody would tell us, “You look so alike!” referring to me and my stepdaughter.
But by looks alone, we do not look anything alike.
Being Asian, I have almond eyes. She has eyes as big as Princess Jasmine’s. I am fair, she is dark. Her lips are thin and lovely. I have thick, ordinary lips. I have long, wavy hair in thin texture. She has thick-strands, black and straight.
Whenever we hear this, we look at each other and laugh.
The “I-caught-you-talking-about-me” moments
A stepmom story is always a juicy story, or so they say. Somehow, there is a notion it is filled with intrigues and conflict, capped by social stereotyping. Even if these were true, it is always awkward for me to walk into a conversation where the topics are —- me, the ex, my husband, the children. The sudden stop in conversation sends such an uncomfortable lull for everyone.
This happens to me most of the time with co-parents in the school and extended family members on my husband’s side.
Admittedly, stepping into my mother-in-law and sister-in-law’s conversations about me or the ex are the most excruciating.
Because they matter.
The Random “Bump-into-each-other” moments
There are times when I walk with the children and someone from the past would recognize the children and blurt out, “Oh Ella, how you’ve grown!” and their gaze will float toward me with the eyes questioning, “Is this she?”
Or maybe it’s just me assuming the worst.
Either way, it is awkward for me and the child-at-hand.
I grin through it and hold our child’s hand.
The Out-of-the-Blue Former Family Photos
Sometimes, out of nowhere, an old family photo of the former family makes its way into our home. Happier times of my husband, the ex and the children are frozen in that photo. I look at it, hoping I am as poker-faced as I can get. Doing so is not without difficulty.
I bet this is awkward for the children too, so I just live through the moment.
Though these moments are cringy and uncomfortable, they also make me humble and self-aware. Some also become sources of strengthening the bond with the children. Best of all, they are good opportunities to cultivate humor and lightness. They remind everyone in the family that perspective is instrumental in transforming awkwardness into levity that allows growth and light-heartedness.
How awkward can it get? Only as much as you allow it to be.
Some bite-sized happiness!
Beautiful ball decor, a cocktail drink under the moonlight and a tasty-beautiful mushroom dish.
Some Stepmom Resources
As the world relives one of the greatest stories of faith, here is an old post on the lessons of Lent and a stepmom’s story.
Thank you for reading The Braver Mom. If you know of stepmoms in need of stories and thoughts on the stepmotherhood experience, please share The Braver Mom Newsletter.
Thank you so so much for this! I am a new step mom of nearly a year. I am 25 and my now daughter is nearly 11 and looks nothing like me. People assume we are sisters, I've had strangers question if I'm lying when I say I am her mother and say I'm too young (I look 18 and she in her teens), and it's both uncomfortable and lonely at times because we are doing our best to learn how to be a family. <3 So. Thank. You.
Your sense of humor is wonderful. I suppose a few of these are "if you don't laugh, you might cry" moments, so good for you for shining a light on the humanity of all involved in these various situations. Great read.
Thank you so so much for this! I am a new step mom of nearly a year. I am 25 and my now daughter is nearly 11 and looks nothing like me. People assume we are sisters, I've had strangers question if I'm lying when I say I am her mother and say I'm too young (I look 18 and she in her teens), and it's both uncomfortable and lonely at times because we are doing our best to learn how to be a family. <3 So. Thank. You.
Your sense of humor is wonderful. I suppose a few of these are "if you don't laugh, you might cry" moments, so good for you for shining a light on the humanity of all involved in these various situations. Great read.