Keeping it Even : 4 Ways A Stepmom Tries to Keep it Even Among Her Children
In keeping things even, am I depriving my own child?
One of the common musings I get from others as a stepmom is, “Of course, she loves her child more than she loves her stepchildren.” Honestly, I do not know what to make of that. I usually just keep quiet and reflect upon myself.
As a stepmother, because you want things to work out and promote peace in your home, there is that constant awareness over your head to keep things even, to balance it all, to make sure no child feels like an outsider. With my three stepkids and one of my own, it is challenging but here are four ways I try.
I express love in tangible ways, because love doesn’t have to be explained.
During the children’s growing up years, I found it helpful to express affection in simple ways that they will most likely remember in the long run. Picking out my stepdaughter’s first Barbie doll or pink pop-up fairy book, handing it to her and seeing her eyes light up were meaningful moments to me. I saw my stepson so much into playing with little toy animals and toy soldiers. One afternoon, he went home to his closet with little toy plastic soldiers guarding his clothes. He smiled at that. I remember one Saturday, he was bored with biking. I took him to the skating rink and taught him to roller blade. That brought back amusement to his face. I cannot forget that face. He won’t forget the first time skating either!
I am generous with hugs, kisses and embrace.
Touch is a strong manifestation of care. I made sure I was comfortable to touch them, put an arm around them and eventually, take them into my arms. Admittedly, it did not come natural as we felt each other out at first. It took slow moments to come into comfort and affection. Today, slaps at the back, abrasiete, their head on my shoulders, hand on my knee, spontaneous hugs and kisses on the head are very much a part of our everydays.
I find individual rituals that fit each child.
Looking at each child as an individual person helps. When I am aware of the things important to them, it is easier to be part of their world. With my son, it became our ritual to attend dawn masses for Christmas. It was something between him and me. With my daughter, we share the routine of swimming together in the community pool on Friday afternoons. With the other daughter, she makes sure to come to me when she wants some serious vintage shopping and make-up shopping. These personal rituals make us feel that we belong to each other.
I discipline diplomatically. At least, I try.
When I am mad at a behavior of one child, I choose the words and say them when my husband is around, when other kids are around. Somehow, they still sense the anger in my demeanor but saying it with the family present allows them to take me seriously. It also reminds me of my limits as a stand-in mother.
Yes, it takes conscious effort to keep things even.
Until you reach a point that care and affection become a natural dynamic in the household. Throughout my years as a stepmom, I did not want to hear this accusation from the children, “You don’t love me like you love your own child.” Gasp! So far, this is not on the table and it looks like it is going to stay that way.
In all the consciousness and efforts that I do as a stepmother though, I think of my own child too. Does he sometimes feel deprived because there are times when I have spread myself too thinly as a mother when he was supposed to be my only one? I ask myself too, “With all that I got into, isn’t he supposed to get more from me?”
These questions fade into the background because I see my husband step up, nurturing our son the very best way he can. Sometimes, he puts in a little extra. Then, I love his children more to make sure everyone feels loved and appreciated. I guess that is how it is in blended families. Everyone has to pitch in to make sure the love goes around. There’s no keeping score.
As for my son, I see his affection for his siblings in the most innocent of ways, especially when he was smaller. That was pivotal for me because he was the one who taught me how love can be unconditional. I hold on to how he sees how big love can be when there’s no keeping count.
I really enjoyed this. I don’t have stepchildren, but I do have two daughters and I am always trying to make sure that everything is shared equally between them, from sitting in the front of the car to cuddles. My eldest (12) isn’t quite so cuddly but my youngest (9) is, so sometimes I feel guilty if I feel the little one has had loads of cuddles, but my eldest has her time with my by talking about boys. So I guess it’s trying to find a balance between being fair and giving them what they want, especially if they have different things they want from us. I was impressed with how you deal with the discipline. I’ve always wondered how that works in stepfamilies but it seems like you have it sorted!
Thank you for sharing your experiences! So much here that resonates for all parents, but also reveals the special love and dynamics that grow from a blended family.