Losing My Children to their Mother

When a Stepmother 'Loses' the Kids to the Biological Mom

Aug 26, 2024

woman walking on shore — Photo by Brian Mann on Unsplash

For many years, I have raised my stepchildren, alongside my own. Their mother’s absence was unclear to me, but I did not pry into it as it was not my story. All I thought was, for her to step aside and allow the children to be cared for by her ex-husband and a woman she did not know, was quite magnanimous to me. And I tell this to the children. “For your mom to choose peace and let you be in the supervision of your dad, it is a form of sacrifice too.”

Sometimes, they ask about their mother. I tell them, “Someday, you will find yourselves finding her, going back to her because it is the most natural thing to do.” A daughter will answer, “But it would be awkward around her.” I answer again, “Just sit through it. Things will naturally unfold between you.”

It was not an easy journey raising them. For a regular mother, bringing up children is difficult. Imagine stepmothering. It is mothering with blurred lines and ambiguous authority. Even during tumultuous times between my husband and their mother, I had to set aside my emotions and be a stable foothold for the children.

Things are changing. They are now all grown, ready to live their own lives. Today, the three of them organize visits to their mother, all on their own. They come back home with happy smiles and casual stories. They have their own Viber group where they share daily musings and memes. They are present in each other’s lives and have reached the natural level of comfort between mother and children, amidst divorce.

One day, I saw their mother’s social media post with the line, “One look at my children makes me think I have done something right in my life.” And there, I saw an attached photo of the four of them in a grid, during a Zoom call.

I smiled. But I have to admit, a little pain comes with the smile.

The time has come. The children are ready to strengthen their identities and in the process, realign their existence further with their mom. The need to understand their origins is a natural call.

What does that make of me?

I must pivot and allow them to grow. Once, I was a central figure but soon, I must learn to understand my peripheral presence. As always, I do not want loyalty and affection to be an issue among us. There is enough love to go around.

Am I scared? Yes I am. I am scared of disappearing in my stepchildren’s lives. But I take heart that even if they forget sometimes, our memories will bring me back. Teaching them to ride a bike. Teaching them to drive. Sharing their first heartbreak. Driving them to their prom. We will always have these memories.

As they move on to create new ones, I will always be grateful. Grateful that in this short life, I was blessed with the chance to nurture three little souls with my own. Where family relationships these days are never straightforward, I was given the chance to redefine what family means and to find ways to connect and love in ways that defy the family stereotype.

After years and years of stepmothering, I have learned that through all complexities, when love is constant, I can weather the storm.